These allegedly are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
trying to stay calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ______________________________

 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: 18th July.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci tracksuit and Reebok trainers.
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning ?
 WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan.
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ___________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was the 8th of August?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh....
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
  WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh?
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.